My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
