A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
