cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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