he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
