I can text with my tongue
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
