he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He felt like a one man threesome
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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