My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
