Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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