I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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