ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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