i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
