I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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