im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Welp...herpes.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
