on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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