I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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