what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
