are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
