a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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