So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
