we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
