Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Everyone says I win the strip club
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
