My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
