Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
a search helicopter?!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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