a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
