I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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