I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
