from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
