please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
