i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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