Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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