You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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