I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
