First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
