Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
