I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
