Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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