Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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