The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
