I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
