If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
