Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
