It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
