You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Vodka?
Forever.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
