My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
