Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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