Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
