You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
