Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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