didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
im drinking this country out of the recession.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
