I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
